Paying the price
by thedarkpassenger85
Summary: During lunch, Emily asks many indiscrete questions to Alex and Olivia to figure out the nature of their past relationship! Will Alex and Olivia tell her the truth? Are they willing and ready to put the past behind them and move forward? CHAPTER 6 IS UP! ENJOY!
1. Perfect morning

Hi guys!

I bet you didn't expect me to publish my new story so soon! Well, me neither but I started writing last night and couldn't stop until this first chapter was finished.

I know I implied that this new story would be about a completely new pairing and tv show, but to be honest with you I had this particular idea on my laptop for months and I just couldn't dismiss it so easily.

I didn't lie though. I'm very tempted to write a story that has nothing to do with SVU or Rizzles and I will explore this new pairing(Minx, which is the pairing of Marissa and Bianca on All My Children) very soon but I decided to give this SVU story a chance first.

What was it that convinced me to focus on this new SVU story first?

Easy, the couple of anons who left me negative reviews on Starting Over. I think it would be a shame to give them the impression and satisfaction of believing that their meaningless, redundant,(but incredibly amusing) reviews convinced me to quit writing SVU fictions.

Truth is, I'm never more inspired than after receiving negative reviews(and I received a couple on the epilogue), yeah I'm weird like that. So, thank you Anons for helping me make my decision and encouraging me to pursue this new SVU story !

Don't worry about my other idea, I'm working on it and I will post it soon. I often worked on several stories at the same time so it shouldn't be a problem.

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**Chapter one :**

**Perfect morning :**

It was about eight O'clock when Olivia Benson woke up that morning. Waken up by the sun light piercing through her curtains, she quickly checked her alarm, groaned and pulled the covers, burying herself underneath. Positioning herself in fetal position, she took a minute to roam her fingers on that cold, empty spot next to her, spot that not long ago was taken by the most incredible woman she had ever met in her life, a woman she used to call her wife. Unfortunately all that remained of that woman today was the vague memory of the way she smell, of how soft her porcelaine skin felt when she gently stroke her cheek with the back of her hand to wake her up and how bright her smile was when she finally opened her eyes. But mostly what remained was a big dark hole in her heart she feared nothing would ever fill up, well, almost nothing...

"Mommy, mommy, wake up! It's sunny outside, I want to play!" That rather joyful voice belonged to Emily, Olivia's four years old daughter, whom she adopted about a year ago.

"Okay, but please, not so loud, I'm just waking up." Feeling her daughter's little hands all over her body as she quickly made her way in bed next to her, Olivia immediately snapped out of that contemplative state and instead found herself overwhelmed with joy at the simple view of the beautiful smile her daughter greeted her when she finally opened her eyes.

"I'm sorry mommy. Are you okay? You promise to help me ride with my try...try..."

"Tricycle sweetie and yes, I promised and I always keep my word. Come on, let's go get some breakfast first, you'll need a lot of energy if you want to ride that tricycle." Tossing the cover asides, Olivia snaked her arms around her little girl and bounced out of bed, holding her as tight as she possibly could.

"I think I like strawberries and apple juice for breakfast mommy, please." Little Emily said, giving Olivia her most irresistible pout.

"I think I can arrange that." Olivia replied as she quickly but careful walked down the stairs leading towards the kitchen.

Stepping into the kitchen, Olivia couldn't help but feeling a knot in the pit of her stomach. This used to be **_her _**favorite room in the house, the room that made **_her_** fell in love with that house the first time they visited it. Olivia, on the other hand didn't care much for the kitchen, what convinced her to purchase this house was the backyard that was large enough to accomodate a large table, a barbecue but also to build tree house with still plenty of space around for their kids to play.

This house was everything they ever dreamed about and remained as such for two years, until **_she _**walked out on Olivia and filed for divorce. The large living room was perfect to welcome Olivia's male friends during the Superbowl or other games that required to be watched on a big plasma screen to be fully enjoyed, on the first floor, the room on the opposite side of the hall from their bedroom was right above the kitchen and therefore quiet enough to allow **_her_** to work without being disturbed by screams coming from the living room during sport season. The bathroom possessed not only a large italian shower that allowed them to shower together but also a very large bathtub that they usually enjoyed together on the week ends by drawing themselves a hot bath with bubbles and lighting up some candles. Olivia would always go in first, just in case the water temperature wasn't perfect, she would settle down and then welcome **_her _**between her legs. Even though they often made love in that tub, this moment they treated themselves with was mostly meant for them to relax after a long week at work.

Things were different now, even though Olivia continued to receive Fin, Munch and Amaro and even Cragen to watch sporting events with her or to share a barbecue, the brunette mainly focused her free time on taking care of her daughter. For the first year or so after the divorce, she would only come home to take a shower and change clothes, she would mostly sleep at the precinct and the rare times she allowed herself to take some rest in the comfort of her house, it was always on the couch, never in their bed. Yes, it took over a year for Olivia to sleep in the bed she once shared with **_her_** and to this day still found herself crying from time to time when looking at the empty spot next to her.

Luckily things had improved since Emily came into her life, not only waking up to an empty bed didn't seem so painful anymore but she was actually looking forward to go home and spend time with her precious angel.

When Olivia decided to adopt a child a little over a year ago, she was still recovering from her divorce that had occurred about a year and a half before but she still possessed enough strength and determination to finally realize her dream of becoming her mother.

Because she had been turned down years before because of her lack of family support and her long hours, Olivia, , made sure that her passion for her job wouldn't be detrimental this time around. To do so, she studied for the Sergent exam, which she passed with flying colours and made further changes in the way she did her job.

Quite frankly, she never had a schedule before, she would simply go home once the job was done or if Cragen ordered her to do so, or at least that was before she starting dating **_her_**. With serious relationship comes responsibilities and the need to make compromises and strangely going home at reasonable hours or take week ends off here and there didn't seem that big of a deal because she got to go home to the woman she loved. So, when Olivia was appointed Sergent, replacing Munch, cutting down her hours didn't seem that much of a challenge, especially since she knew it was necessary if she wanted to be considered suited to adopt a child.

She met Emily a couple of months later through an adoption program Nick's church was sponsoring and it was love at first sight.

Emily was only two and a half years old at the time, and had only been in foster care for only a couple of weeks but bared the marks of her painful past. She was smaller than normal for her age and she barely talked but there was something about her that drew Olivia to her almost instantly. After only two months of supervised visits, Olivia made a formal request to adopt her. At first she was only granted temporary custody but, to her big surprise, social services, seeing the extend of the efforts she had made and the instant bond she had develop with Emily, gave her a positive recommandation and the adoption was finally granted four months later.

Bringing Emily home turned out to be more difficult than she expected because not only the girl would still barely talked to her, but also had terrible nightmares and would wake up crying several times a week. Slowly, with patience, love and a lot of kisses and warm hugs, the little girl slowly came out of her shell and slowly starting talking and returning Olivia's affection and they were now almost inseparable.

"What are you thinking about mommy?" Emily asked, her head titled on the left, her lips pursed.

"Nothing, I was just thinking that maybe we could go to the pool this afternoon, would you like that?" Now that Olivia was Sergent, she spent less time on the streets, chasing down suspects, interrogating suspects or even talking to victims and even though her administrative duties and various tasks as Cragen's new right hand often seemed boring, the joy of spending her evenings and week ends with her little girl made it all worth it.

"I don't know mommy, I don't like the pool very much." Taking a bite at her strawberry, Emily sent a quick frown towards her mother. Even if she was only four years old, she was already very stubborn and never hesitated to express her opinions.

"I thought you liked it when we went to that swimming class a couple of weeks ago?" Swimming lessons, attending painting classes, teaching her to ride her tricycle, having picnics in the park whenever the weather allowed it or even visiting the zoo were the new activities that now filled Olivia's free time to and she was enjoying every minute of it.

"No, the water is too cold and it hurts my nose when it gets inside and it doesn't taste good. I don't like it mommy. I'm sorry." Her head down, Emily immediately brought her knees up against her chest, closed her arms around them, and starting rocking her body back and forth.

"Hey, sweetheart, look at me. It's okay if you don't like it, we can go to that painting group you like to much." Sometimes Olivia forgot about Emily's past, how from a very young age she had to listen to her mother's lover verbally abuse her and witness her being beaten on weekly basis and how when she was two and half years old, she watched him smacked her head against the wall so hard that she died instantly.

Even if, according to Dr Huang, it was very unlikely that she remembered any of it, hearing Olivia's rising her voice or feeling that she was slightly upset was enough for her survival instincts to kick in it broke her heart every single time.

"Okay, I love you mommy to the moon and back..." Now sitting on her mother's lap, feeling her strong and warm arms around her, little Emily, slowly calmed down and within minutes resumed eating her breakfast.

"I love you too Emily." Her daughter on her lap, her arms snaked around her, Olivia couldn't help but wondering how long it would take for her nightmares to stop or for her to enter that kind of catatonic state every time she dared to slightly raised her voice on her.

According to Dr Huang, even though children usually don't form memories until the age of 3 or 4 some events remained branded in their brain for ever, and explained to her that pieces of the abuse would inevitably resurface from time to time. Furthermore, he explained that at some point, even though she would feel loved and safe with her, Emily might start asking questions, wondering why she's having those nightmares and that when that times comes, therapy might be an appropriate approach to slowly reveal her past to her without traumatising her.

But for now, all Olivia wanted to focus on was this sunny day and how she and her daughter were going to enjoy it.

So that morning, after dressing her up and making sure her helmet, knee and elbow protections were properly set, Olivia installed Emily on her tricycle and spent the entire morning teaching her how to ride it. At first, she would stay next to her, with her hand on her back but quickly the little girl felt more and more confident and asked her to let her try on her own. To Olivia's big surprise, Emily was so comfortable on that tricycle that she ended up running after her most of the morning.

Later that day, after eating the delicious lunch Olivia had prepared for them, yes becoming a mother had forced her to learn to cook basic meals, little Emily went for her daily nap, her mother lying in bed next to her, her arms snaked around her, thinking that this was definitely the most wonderful gift she had ever received, regardless of what it had cost her.

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Well, well, well. What do you guys think of this first chapter? I decided to not use the present tense anymore. I know it makes things more intense and that you feel everything is happening before your eyes but I find it really hard to master and it just didn't seem fluid enough...

I know you're probably all wondering who Olivia was married to and why they got divorced. Don't worry, you'll know soon enough but for know I'd rather remain as vague and mysterious as possible...

Feel free to make educated guesses though! Once her identity is revealed I will alternate between the present and the past to include flashbacks, memories of what their lives used to be when they were married...

Thank you for reading!


	2. Friends

Thank you all for reviewing/following/favouriting this story! I'm so glad to see reviews from new readers but also from my long time, very loyal readers! I hope I don't disappoint you!

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**Chapter 2 :**

**Friends :**

Later that day, after waking up from their nap, Olivia and Emily walked down to the community center for their weekly painting class.

"Olivia! Emily, here, we saved you seats!" That strong, warm voice belong to Melissa, a mother Olivia and Emily met six months ago when they started coming to the community center.

"Good afternoon. How are you?" Olivia replied as she took a few steps forwards to give her friend a warm hug. When Olivia adopted Emily, she had no idea just how curious and eager to learn the little girl was, so about six months ago she started to bring her to the community center, which offered many activities for children of her age. It was during one of those classes that they met Melissa and her daughter Alicia who's the same age as Emily.

"We're good, now girls, how about you go sit, the class is about to start, Olivia and I will be right here if you need us, okay?" When most parents would drop their children at the center and use this couple of free hours to run errances that are almost impossible to take care of with a child of that age to watch, neither Olivia or Melissa were ever able to bring themselves to leave their babies. It wasn't that they didn't trust the volunteers that worked at the center, they just couldn't be away from their little girls and enjoyed watching them making new friends and having fun.

"Yes, mommy, come on Emily! I want to sit on the front row!" Little Alicia replied, as she grabbed Emily's hand, and dragged her towards the front row.

"Well, looks like someone has a lot of energy today." To this day Olivia is still amazed by how social and comfortable around other people Alicia is, she was actually the first child that came up to them and introduced herself and the two little girls have been best friends ever since.

"Yes, she does, Emily on the other hand, looks pretty sleepy, didn't she take her nap?" Melissa was a forty year old single mother who owned one of the most popular and prestigious indian restaurant in Manhattan. She became a widow only a year ago when her wife died after battling cancer for over a year. Being two single parents, lesbians none the less, brought the two women together and for the first time since losing their respectives spouses they were finally enjoying socialising with someone else than work acquaintances, someone who could understand the challenges of raising a child as a single mother, someone to confide in and to relay on in case of emergency.

"She did, but something happened this morning and she's still upset about it I guess." Taking her jacket off , Olivia sat on one of the arm chair at the back of the class, where they'd both have a perfect view on their daughters.

"Did she have another nightmare?" Her daughter Alicia was only three year old when her wife died and to make sure the two of them spent as much time as possible, the little girl visited her at the hospital on daily basis until the day she passed. Even though those moments were essential for Alicia to allow her to say goodbye to her mother and remember her, seeing her pale, skinny, coughing blood and hooked up to all those machines scarred her and a year later, she was still having nightmares. So, Melissa was in a good position to feel Olivia's pain and understanding how powerless being unable to help her little girl sleep peacefully.

"No, but I think she had some kind of flashback. We were having breakfast and I offered her to go to the pool this afternoon and she replied she didn't like it and when I asked her why she told me that she didn't like having water in her nose and the next thing I know, she was curled up in a ball on her chair." Shaking her head as the memory of that painful moment literally flashed in front of her eyes, Olivia was trying to comprehend the reasons that could have caused her little girl to withdraw like that and enter such a catatonic state.

"Did you raise your voice on her?"

"No, I was just surprised because I thought she enjoyed herself the last time we swam together but the tone of my voice must have changed and triggered something. I guess, I'm just gonna have to watch my tone from now on." The most frustrating part of this whole situation was that Olivia never had any reason to raise her voice on Emily, she was the perfect child, very obedient, full of joy and very pleasant to raise and yet the smallest change in the intonation of her voice could trigger a terrible flashback.

"She knows you love her and that you would never hurt her, I guess she just can't help it. Her brain must associates certain words or intonations with violence." Allowing a deep sigh to slip through her lips, Melissa reached out to Olivia's back and started stroking it with the palm of her hand, drawing small circles, to comfort her.

"She doesn't even remember the abuse and yet her brain is somehow branded and keeps her from spending sleeping through most nights or enjoying the presence of other adults." Seeing her little girl suffering like that without being to help her was eating Olivia alive, she would stay awake at night, cussing at her step father for putting her and her biological mother through hell and the fact that he was sentenced to life in prison without parole only brought little comfort.

"I know, her brain, her body remembers what she can't remember or make sense of herself but one day, when she's old enough to understand, you and Dr Huang will explain to her what happened when she was younger and hopefully knowing will help her understand the nightmares and flashbacks and bring her the closure she needs." Her daughter Alicia was only three years old when her wife died and she makes sure to talk about her every day, to show her pictures, home movies, to make sure that she doesn't forget her, how she looked or sound but for Olivia it was a bit different, she couldn't tell her about her past, at least not until she's old enough to cope with the ugly truth.

"That's what George said, but according to him, she's too young to be confronted to the truth now so all I can do is try to comfort and watch my body language and intonations." Strangely, working with traumatised victims and emphasizing with their pain didn't prepare Olivia for this, no matter how close she got to the victims, everything is different when it's your own child that's hurt.

"Exactly and we're here too if you need anything." Over the past six months, Olivia and Melissa had developed a strong and respectful friendship that was completely different from any friendships they had before and it was always with great pleasure that they met at the center or at each other home for play dates.

"I know and we're lucky that we met you guys, can you believe that they'll be starting kindergarten in less than a month?" Even though their stories and experiences were different, the mourning and healing process remained the same and despite being surrounded by many friends who loved and supported them, it wasn't until they met that they started to feel the desire to talk about their loss, to share their experience and eventually support each other through the process.

"Yes, it's all Alicia speaks about these days!" Alicia's first day of school, another important day her beloved wife was going to miss.

"Emily is pretty impatient too, she can not wait to learn to read and write and when I told her she won't be learning just now, she begged me to teach her."

"Yes, Alicia already knows all her books by heart and it only takes her a few readings whenever I buy her a new one to memorize it too. Our little angels are growing so fast." Looking at the two girls sitting a few feet from them, listening to their teacher very quietly, Melissa couldn't help but feeling nostalgic of the time when Alicia would cry whenever she stepped a few feet away from her, now she was becoming more confident and independent every single day.

"Emily has a pretty good memory too and even though seeing her becoming more independent pains me, I can't wait for her to go to school and make new friends." Although Emily was enrolled in day care and various activities at the center, Olivia knew that it was going to school that would teach her to socialise with other children and she could only pray that things would go as smoothly as they did at the center.

"Yes, I hope they'll be in the same class. You know, since they're taking such a big step spreading their wings like that, maybe we should do the same and put ourselves out there, meet new people and experience new things." Thanks to her restaurant or her various hobbies, Melissa's life was everything but lonely. She had the opportunity to meet a lot of people from different cultures and upbringings on a daily basis but it always remained very superficial and she sometimes wished she could develop strong bonds with the people she met, the same way she did with Olivia.

"You mean we should start dating again?" Laughing hard enough to almost chock on her own saliva, Olivia couldn't believe her friend would suggest something that odd, especially knowing how difficult their loss had been on them.

"I think that focusing on our daughters and our career has been therapeutic for both of us but I don't think it's healthy. Before we know it, they're gonna be going to sleep overs or summer camps and when that happens, we're gonna be all alone in our big empty houses, that's no way to live Olivia." Even though her situation was different than Olivia's, Melissa knew deep down that continuing down that path would only damage their hearts and souls more they already were.

"Maybe you need to find someone but I don't. I mean, I have been alone all my life and before I got married, I had never been in a serious relationship what so ever. I focused on my job, on helping the victims, getting justice for them and it's true that it was slowly killing me inside, that making crime fighting my sole purpose wasn't healthy. When we got married, I thought that I had found that little piece of myself that was missing, that it would make me whole but now, looking back I know it was foolish of me to think that. Now, what Emily and I have is different, what we share is a lifetime bond and that nothing will ever sever and to be honest with you, I don't need more. I'm perfectly happy the way things are." Was she? Was being loved by her daughter and loving her back enough to fill up the void she has had in her heart her entire life?

"I understand where you're coming from, because before I met Maggie, I refused to be one of those women who defined happiness and self accomplishment by how many children they had and how big their house in the suburbs was but now that I have experienced family life, I realize that being self sufficient is not a way to live. I know I'll never meet someone that I'll love as much as I loved Maggie but I'm willing to try to find that special someone to keep me warm during cold winter nights or to hold my hand when Alicia goes off to college." The last thing Melissa wanted was to find someone to replace her wife in her and her daughter's lives or to fill up any voids that her death created, but she couldn't bring herself to spend the rest of her life alone.

"I'm so sorry. Your wife died and I'm here complaining about not being able to move on from my divorce..." Sometimes, because Melissa was always so joyful and optimistic, Olivia forgot that she was a widow and that as painful as divorcing her wife, it was nothing compared to what Alicia and Melissa were going through.

"Grief is grief Olivia, it doesn't matter that your wife left you, you lost her and you're mourning her the way I'm mourning Maggie. You know, I might appear put together and I might try to encourage you to date again but to be honest with you, there is a not a day that passes when I don't lie in bed crying wishing she was here with me and I don't think that this wound will ever close but I have to try to move on because I know she would want me to." Maggie's disease was very slow and the two women had many opportunities to discuss the future and she insisted that Melissa remarried and move on with her life. She wanted her and their daughter to be happy and to not allow the grief to take over their lives.

"I know. I guess living in that house you shared with her doesn't make things easier."

"No, it doesn't. Everywhere I look there's a picture of her or an object we bought together and I know it helps Alicia not forget her mom, that feeling her presence somehow comforts her but for me it's different, everywhere I look all I see is emptiness but I can't bring myself to move out. This is the house we bought together, thinking we'd start a family and I can't let go of that. Can you?"

"No, it's the same for me, every object, every room, every sent in that house reminds me of her and that I lost her but it was also the house I fell in love with picturing us raising our children in. It was our dream house and we spent two very happy years in it. I just can't bring myself to let it go either, and since she gave her share of it to me in the divorce settlement and even paid off the mortgage, I don't have to." It only took a couple of months after _**she **_left the house for the divorce to be finalized and even though Olivia couldn't care less about keeping it at the time, she was pleasantly surprised to see that **_she _**was willing to renounce to her half of the house and was even more surprised a month later when he bank called her to inform her that the mortgage had been paid in full.

"Nothing beats free accommodation, especially when you have a young child to take care of." Melissa was lucky enough to be the owner of a very successful business and that her wife had a large life insurance policy but she witnessed so many people from her support group lose everything after their spouses died and she thanked God every single day for everything she had.

"No but to be honest, I'm not sure I would have accepted the house if I had known she was planning on paying off the mortgage but what is done is done and Emily loves the place. It turned out to be exactly what I was hoping it would be when we bought it, well except _**she's**_ not there with us..." The divorce wasn't a complete surprise for Olivia, she and her wife struggled for so long to cope and work through their issues but the more time passed, the further appart they grew and when _**she **_finally moved out, she found herself relieved somehow, knowing that she wouldn't have to fight anymore. Thankfully, neither of them was willing to fight in court and they found an agreement that only involved their respectives lawyers. Even though she was still trying to recover from that terrible experience, Olivia often wished she had fought harder, that she had tried harder to make things work, because God knows _**she**_ was worth fighting for.

* * *

Well, well, well... What do you think of Olivia's friend? I figured Emily and Olivia could each use a friend to confide in and to socialise with.

I dropped a couple of hints to help you uncover the identity of the mysterious ex wife and I'm pretty sure you've figured it out by now! My intention was never to drag things and keep you hanging anyway, but before bringing her back, I needed to introduce you to Emily and give you a clear picture of what Olivia's life has been since the divorce and since adopting the little girl.

Feel free to drop comments or suggestions...

Patience, the ex is coming back soon! And please don't think that I hate that character and that I'm going to portray her a total bitch (again), because once you finally find out why she left and see me root for her, you'll understand just how much I love that character and sympathize with her. Being the one who left doesn't make her a bitch. She had a very good reason and it's probably gonna break your heart.


	3. Ghost from the past

Thank you tummer22 for coming to my rescue after reading the comment my "Anon hater"' left about the way I spelled "George". Well Anon, know that in my native language(french) there is an S at the end of this name, I should know, that's my gay uncle's name! Besides, there's no such thing as misspelling a first or last name and like tummer said, even Einstein couldn't spell!

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**Chapter 3 :**

**Ghost from the past :**

Later that day, after spending most of the afternoon with Melissa and Alicia, Olivia took Emily to a book store a couple of blocks from the center.

"Can I have this one too mommy?" Standing in front of the children book section, a book in a hand, Emily gave Olivia the best puppy pout she could come up with, hoping the brunette would, once again, grant her request.

"Sure, but I think we might need to get you a new shelf too." Smiling as she took the book out of the little girl's hand, Olivia remained amazed by the kind of activities Emily favoured, not that she didn't enjoy watching cartoons like other kids of her age, but for now, her preference seems to go to artistic activities or any other hobbies that required being outside and she intended to keep it that way.

"Oh, okay. I'll help you! Thank you mommy!" Emily enthusiastically replied as she jumped into her mother's arms, arms that were filled with the four books she had selected in the past hour.

"I would stay away when she installs that shelf because your mother has never been good with hammers." After spending the past few minutes observing Olivia and Emily from a distance, waving the pros and cons of approaching them, here she was standing a few feet away, the woman Olivia had not laid eyes on in years.

"Alex..." Turning around, holding Emily in her arms as tight as she possibly could, Olivia forced herself to greet Alex with a smile but sincere smile but as collected as she appeared, her breath was immediately taken away as her eyes laid on the woman, whom not that long ago she was married to.

Alex had not changed that much since the last time they ran into each other just a few months before Olivia adopted Emily. She was wearing one of those expensive pant suits that seemed to have been made with the sole purpose of flattering her figure, which had remained the same for the past 15 years, and a pair of designer shoes that probably cost more than Olivia's entire outfit. Her hair was falling on her shoulders, which was a bit shorter than what Olivia was accustomed to but remained of the same bright blonde and appeared soft enough for the brunette to picture herself stroking it with her fingers. Despite the few wrinkles around her eyes, her porcelaine skin made it appear as if she had not aged at all and the blue eyes she often compared to the pacific ocean were enough for Olivia to convince herself that she was still the most beautiful woman she had ever laid her eyes on.

"Olivia, you look well and you must be Emily." Swallowing hard as she readjusted her glasses, Alex took a few steps towards Olivia, doing her best to keep her composure even though she was nervous to the point where her legs were shaking so hard that taking one step after the other was a challenge.

"Yes, I'm Emily Benson, nice to meet you Miss." Not seeing the petrified look on her mother's face, Emily politely extended her hand towards Alex wondering who this charming lady was and how she knew her mother.

"I'm Alex Cabot, and I'm very happy to meet you too Emily." Forcing a smile a she shook the little girl's hand, Alex on the other hand could see just how uncomfortable, if not frightened Olivia was and cussed herself for approaching them.

Standing less than a foot away from Olivia, Alex was able to quickly roam her eyes on her ex-wife's body, body that seemed to be as voluptuous and yet fit as in her memories.

"I think...I think my mommy has a picture of you next to her bed..." Pursing her lips as she frowned her eye brows and tilted her head to the left, Emily tried her best to remember if she had met Alex before.

"Yes, it's the group picture we took at that Christmas party remember?" The last thing Olivia wanted was for Alex to think that she still had pictures of her around the house. Truth be told, it took her over six months to take them all down but this particular picture was the only one she had with the entire team present, including Eliot, Melinda, George, Casey and she couldn't bring herself to get rid of it, even if glimpsing at it for a second was usually enough to shatter her heart into a million pieces.

"Oh right, I remember that party, it was fun." Nodding, Alex smiled as she remembered that particular Christmas party hosted by the Department, and how Olivia and her made love that night after the brunette tore the sexy Santa outfit she had purchased for the occasion appart, outfit she had worn under her dress during the entire party, as a tease.

"Yes, it was. It was the last department party El ever attended." Nodding, Olivia couldn't help but feeling bitter about that particular party, not only because it was the last time Eliot attended an event organized by the departement, but also because it marked the last happy Christmas they spent together before things started to go south.

"Do you work with my mommy Miss? Do you catch bad guys too?" Listening to Alex and Olivia interact Emily started to understand, to feel that both women were slightly uncomfortable but it didn't keep her from questioning the blonde.

"I worked with your mommy a long time ago. I'm not a Detective though, I'm an attorney, which means that after your mommy or other Detectives catch the bad guys, I'm the one who makes sure that justice is done and that they go to prison. Do you understand?" Alex's heart was beating so fast that she feared that it might pierce through her chest, her throat was dry and her knees still shaking. Looking at Olivia was so painful that she chose to focus on Emily, on her big brown eyes, her olive skin and bright smile that somehow reminded of Olivia.

"Oh, like auntie Casey!" Emily replied, clapping her hands.

"Yes, like Casey." When Olivia decided to attempt adopting a child, she decided to reach out to Casey for her help, to make sure to do things the right way this time. Even though Casey was not a family lawyer, she was more than happy to provide Olivia with her services and help her get temporary custody of the little girl and later file for adoption. For years Casey and Olivia had worked together at SVU but without ever crossing the line between being work acquaintances and friends. It was only when they started working together on Emily's adoption, that the two women grew closer and they now shared a very close friendship.

"If you're a friend of my mommy, you have to come to Luigi's with us for lunch tomorrow!" Emily enthusiastically said as she pouted towards her mother, not realizing that she might have just opened Pandora's trunk.

"You still go to Luigi's?" Luigi's was Olivia and Alex's favorite restaurant when they were married and even though she missed their lasagna, she just couldn't bring herself to go there and risk of being overwhelmed by her emotions and eventually burst in tears or worse, run into Olivia.

"Yes, it's not far from the house and Emily loves it but I'm sure you already have plans for tomorrow." Looking at Alex, Olivia had no trouble seeing that the little girl's request made her equally uncomfortable.

"Oh, I'm sorry Miss, it's just that Alicia and Melissa are busy tomorrow so I thought you could come with us." Shrugging her shoulders, Emily buried her head in Olivia's neck, avoiding making eye contact with Alex.

"Alicia is a friend she made at the community center and Melissa is her mother, we spent the afternoon with them but they won't be able to join us tomorrow because they're meeting Melissa's parents." Why did she feel so compelled to tell her who Melissa and Alicia were? Did she care if Alex thought Melissa was her girlfriend?

"Oh I see. Well Emily, even God stopped working on sunday, right? So I would be glad to accept your invitation if that's okay with your mom." Standing a couple of feet from Olivia, all Alex wanted was to reach out to the little girl and give her some sign of affection to comfort her but she couldn't bring herself to. The proximity to Olivia was overwhelming enough and she knew that taking just one step would allow her to smell her perfume, scent she knew would push her closer to the edge and take over the remaining strength she possessed that was keeping her from collapsing.

"Yes, mommy please, pretty please with cherry on top..."

"Don't look at me like that, same goes for you Alex... Oh alright, I'll guess we'll see you tomorrow, around noon?" The idea of having lunch with Alex was less than enjoyable but she couldn't bring herself to break Emily's heart, whom for some reasons seemed to be curious about the blonde.

"Yes, well Emily, it was nice to finally meet you. I will see you tomorrow. Olivia, always a pleasure." Shaking the little girl's hand, giving Olivia a nervous smile, Alex then turned around and walked out of the store, her heart filled up with joy but also with apprehension. What was the point of having lunch with them? What did she think it would achieve? Nothing, except the vision of what her life could have been thrown in her face, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that after three long years of dreaming, fantasizing about being reunited with Olivia, she finally had the opportunity of spending some time with her and hell with the consequences, every minute spent with the brunette was worth the tears she'd probably shed later on.

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Well the cat is out of the bag now, not that it came as a big surprise :).

I hope you enjoyed this first interaction between Alex and Olivia. I know the atmosphere seemed fairly friendly but I intend on exploring the whole spectrum of emotions anyone in their situation would have been confronted with. And yes Alex knew about Emily, don't worry, I'll explain later.

Thank you for reading!

I was thinking the next chapter could be a flashback of when Olivia and Alex were together? Thoughts?

Thank you for reading...


	4. Remembering

Hi guys, first of all I wanted to thank you all for the wonderful reviews. I suspected bringing Alex into this story would increase your interest but I really never expected I would receive that many reviews, I hope the rest of the story won't disappoint you! I'm gonna work my butt off to give you the best story I possibly can!

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**Chapter 4 :**

**Remembering :**

It was quarter to noon when Alex arrived at Luigi's the next day. Taking a deep breath as she stepped into the familiar restaurant, she was immediately overwhelmed by a vivid feeling of nostalgia triggered by the thought of the many romantic dinners they had shared together.

Walking towards their favorite table as slowly as she possibly could, Alex couldn't help but remembering the very first time Olivia ever took her here, six years ago.

_It was about half past six that night when Alexandra Cabot finally got out the shower, a towel tied around her body, her hair still swamped with the warm water that had streamed down her body for almost half an hour. Even though staying in the shower for that long was everything but green, it was necessary for Alex to take the time to collect her thoughts, calm her nerves and build up the confidence she needed to go through with this._

_ Standing above her bed, contemplating the three outfits she had previously selected, she couldn't for the love of God bring herself to pick one. Alex's pre selection was rather eclectic, there this simple but elegant black dress that flattered her curves without revealing too much, the couture blue dress she had only worn once before and a pair casual trousers coupled with a beige cashmere pullover. _

_Why was the choice so difficult? Answering that question was easy, tonight Alex was having dinner with Detective Olivia Benson and even though they had shared meals dozens of times before, things were different this time, she could feel it in her bones and the desire to finally cease the opportunity to be with Olivia made this choice almost impossible. _

_She wanted everything to be perfect and that included the way she was going to interact with the brunette, confident but not cocky, trusting but not completely passive, chatty without monopolising the entire conversation, and as superficial as it was, finding the perfect outfit and feeling attractive was for her the first step towards making sure things would go as smoothly as she was hoping._

_The team had spent two entire weeks, pulling double shifts, trying to catch a serial rapists who targeted college girls. The chase had been emotionally and physically exhausting but thanks to the Detectives' efforts and expertise, the rapist was eventually apprehended, arraigned and sent to jail pending trial. _

_To celebrate and release the pressure, the entire team gathered at an irish pub a couple of blocks from the station. Despite disapproving of the rather rustic decor, being repulsed by the smell of beer, smoke and burned burgers, Alex, in an attempt to fit, agreed to stay for a little while and share a bottle of cheap red whine with Olivia._

_When around ten o'clock she finally decided to head back home, Olivia escorted her outside and told her she would be picking her up the following day at seven pm sharp for dinner before stopping a cab, opening the door and helping her in, leaving it impossible for her to decline._

_How was this dinner different from any other they shared before?_

_Well for starters, Olivia was picking her up at her place instead of meeting her at the restaurant but what convinced Alex was the way the Detective stated they were having dinner together, she didn't ask, she stated it as a fact. Her voice was charged with confidence and a hint of provocation, not to mention there was this flame in her eyes that she had never seen before and that felt like a " You better prepare yourself because I'm going to rock your world."_

_And prepared she was, in fact Alex had been dreaming of going out with Olivia for a long time. For years she would lie in bed at night, close her eyes and picture the moment Detective Olivia Benson would ask her out on her date. She would fall asleep with the thought of Olivia's lips pressed against her and her strong, warm arms around her waist, hoping those fantasies would someday turn into reality. __Unfortunately life or rather fate had decided otherwise. _

_When they first met, the two women struggled to establish a relationship that would create a peaceful and efficient work environment for them but also the entire SVU team._

_ In fact, for the first year and a half, there wasn't a day that passed without them arguing, fighting even, often in front of the entire squad. That rather intense relationship was confrontational, tensed, challenging ... and strangely arousing, at least for Alex. _

_Never in her life, in law school or even in court had she met someone that could confront her and call her on her failures like that, with so much passion, convictions and honesty but without ever being disrespectful. Olivia had a way of pushing her buttons that annoyed her to no end but also had made her fall in love with her a little more with every single new argument._

_As the years passed the two women somehow found a way to make things work, without sacrificing their work ethics or personal convictions but by learning to listen to each other and make compromises._

_With time, that sexual attraction Alex felt every time she argued with Olivia evolved into a deep and sincere affection and, without her noticing of being able to stop it, it eventually turned into love. She couldn't qualify or or make sense of her what was happening to her it but she was desperately falling in love with Detective Benson._

_It took her months if not years to acknowledge her feelings, process them and eventually accept them but but by the time she finally found herself in complete peace with how she felt, life took a turn she had never expected, destroying all her dreams and hopes she had built up over the years._

_Being in the Witness Protection Program, having to hide, lie about who she was to every single new person she'd meet to be more devastating then lying to herself about her feelings for Olivia ever was. She often lied in bed at night, crying, cussing herself for not taking a chance when she had the opportunity. She'd fall asleep__ picturing what her life could have been if she had not been so afraid of being rejected by the brunette or of the repercussions coming out as a lesbian would have had on her career. _

_But somehow, almost drowning in that sorrow, Alex always found the strength she needed to survive and promise herself that, should she be given a chance to get her old life back, she wouldn't waste a minute and tell Olivia how she felt._

_Sadly, life is never as easy as we would hope and it actually took three years for Alex to come back to SVU for good. When the criminals responsible for her "death" were either killed or extradited to Ireland, Alex was presented with the opportunity to come back to New York as Bureau Chief, opportunity that she immediately ceased, determined to make things right with Olivia._

_Unfortunately things didn't go as planned, and even though Olivia and Eliot were among the first to call her to congratulate and invite her to catch up, she found herself unable to answer or return their calls. _

_Olivia and El were there when she was shot and she couldn't bare the thought of them looking at her as if was a victim, it was more she could handle. She needed to stop seeing herself as such if she wanted to face the people who had witnessed her death and kept it as a secret._

_And it took three years of avoiding Olivia, Eliot and the rest of the team,of intense therapy to regain control over that life she had lost, of working countless hours as Bureau Chief to rebuild her career and even getting engaged to a man she never loved and one request or as Mc Coy called it, the kick in the butt she needed, for her to come back to the team._

_At first things were extremely stranger even uncomfortable. She would never forget the look on Olivia's face when she stepped into that crime scene, it was a combination of shock and happiness, but also uncertainty. _

_That was just a month ago and after working on a few investigations with her old team, Alex was slowly readjusting and becoming more confident and comfortable with everyday that passed and apparently, so did Olivia._

_So, after no less then ten years of dreaming of that moment, she was finally minutes away from going on a date with Olivia Benson and as frightened as she was she had a feeling that this night was going to change her life for ever._

6 years later, the memory of that night was still very present, and the simple thought of sitting in front of Olivia at that very same table was enough to send shivers down her spine.

What remained of that night was that overwhelming feeling of belonging that slowly settled during dinner and that intense conviction that someday she would be Mrs Alexandra Benson, that no amount of fears, scars or self loathing or even trust issues would come between her Detective and her ever again.

Sitting on the very same red leather chair, she sat that night, checking her watch every thirty seconds, Alex was as excited and nervous as she was that day. The only difference was that she had no idea how Olivia would be approaching this lunch, what attitude she should expect from the brunette but most importantly, she didn't even know what she wanted.

For the first time in a long time, Alexandra Cabot, the usually studious, educated, overly prepared attorney, had no plans, no goals or intentions. She came to this lunch, without any unrealistic hopes that a simple meal would change what happened three years ago. As sad as it was, she was sitting there, waiting for Olivia and Emily, almost defeated, resigned to the fact that no matter how she felt, what had been broken three years ago would probably remain broken, the same way her heart would.

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_Oh boy, that was sad and depressing wasn't it? I'm, sorry that was never my intention, but I can't just ignore what my muse is whispering me to write, can I ?_

_I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I thought it would be interesting to compare Alex's state of mind six years ago before their first date to with her current state of mind._

_Next chapter will be the actual lunch!_

_Thank you,(special shout out to_ _Divine2011_) _for all the support __you've given me so far!_


	5. Face to face

I'm sorry for the delay. I wanted to post this chapter last night but since it's my birthday today, my cousin called me and insisted to stay on the phone until midnight and after talking to her for several hours my head was hurting and I just couldn't write...

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**Chapter 5 :**

**Face to face :**

About twenty minutes later Olivia and Emily finally arrived at Luigi's, holding hands. Olivia was wearing a blue jacket, black boots coupled with a pair of black trousers and a blue shirt, Emily was wearing a beautiful blue dress with white tights and matching shoes and had her hair up in a ponytail. Even though the little girl was adopted, they shared such an uncanny ressemblance, not only in their facial traits but also in the way they stood or walked.

"Hey, sorry, we're a bit late, traffic was terrible." Olivia said as she walked towards Alex, still holding Emily's hand tight.

"It's okay, I just arrived. I almost forgot how good this place smelled." Alex replied as she bounced out of her chair, thinking Olivia and Emily might have their own favourite table.

"Yeah, the cook is still the same but they made a few changes on the menu." What Alex didn't know was that the table they used to have dinner at was also Emily's favourite spot and as painful as it was for her to share a meal with her daughter and watch her sit in the same chair as Alex used to, she couldn't bring herself to force her to choose another table, especially since Emily would probably ask for an explanation.

"Good, how are you today Emily? " Kneeling in front of the little girl to give her a gentle hug, Alex forced herself to take deep breath and to keep her composure. How surreal was this? She had only ran into Olivia twice in three years and the last real conversation they had shared was when they signed the divorced paper, well if you consider Olivia begging her to reconsider her decision a valid conversation. And yet, here they were, about to share a meal, almost as if nothing had happened.

"I'm okay Alex, how did you know this was my favourite table?" Emily was usually very cautious when it came to interacting with adults, even females. She would rarely allow physical contact and when she did it was always after a long period of getting to know them and yet she ran into Alex's arms as soon as they stepped into the restaurant.

"I didn't know, but your mommy and I used to come here a long time ago and it was my favorite table too." Even though she had only met her the previous day and talked to her for a few minutes, Alex had a very strange feeling that Emily was a very curious little girl and was convinced that she questioned Olivia about her after their encounter. Unfortunately, not knowing what the brunette had told her about their relationship, she had no other choice but to remain as vague as possible, without lying to her either.

"That's awesome! Mommy, can you order a ham, chicken and pepperoni pizza with an apple juice and a salad, please? I'm gonna go play with the other kids!" Nodding as she took her coat off, Emily immediately escaped Alex's arms and ran off towards the area of the restaurant that was dedicated to the children.

"Sure. I have no idea why it's her favorite table but I can see her play from here and since you were already sitting here, I guess it's okay?" Olivia said as she invited Alex to sit in front of her without losing sight of Emily. Sitting here opposite Alex felt extremely strange, and sharing a meal with her after all those years was almost surreal.

"Sure." The last time Alex sat at that very spot was just a few a few weeks before she filed from divorce, three years ago. Olivia had invited her hoping they could talk and find a way to overcome the terrible ordeals that had been tearing them apart for almost a year. Unfortunately, despite agreeing to have dinner with her that night, Alex had already made her decision and the memory of Olivia pouring her heart to her, begging her to trust her and to hold on to their marriage was still very vivid, especially now that she was sitting on the exact same spot.

"I'll go order our pizza, I suppose you want lasagna with an ice tea?" Walking towards the bar, Olivia couldn't help but noticing that Alex was wearing the same outfit she was wearing during their first date, a very expensive cashmere beige pullover and that infamous pair of Levi's that emphasized the shape of her ass.

"Yes please." Alex replied, smiling.

"How did you know her name was Emily?" Olivia said as she sat back on her chair a few minutes later. That question has been bugging her ever since they ran into Alex the day before and she couldn't hold it any longer.

"I thought she would have told you... Well, the person in charge of your background check during the adoption process contacted me to ask me a few questions, the same way she probably contacted every member of your team." A little over a year ago, Alex received a phone call from a social worker appointed by the judge in charge of Emily's adoption to investigate Olivia and make sure she was the perfect fit for Emily. Strangely, receiving such a phone call didn't surprise Alex at all, she always knew how important having children was for Olivia and was actually hoping she would decide to adopt after their divorce and she was more than happy to help her achieve that dream.

"Oh, I see, she wanted to see if we didn't get divorce because I was abusive." Considering Emily was coming from a rather abusive home, the judge's main concern was to make sure that Olivia was not only patient but also caring, gentle and most importantly supportive of the little's girl future needs. Yet the brunette was surprised that the social worker chose to question Alex, whom she hadn't spoken to in almost two years.

"She wasn't that straight forward but that's the impression I got. She was very adamant about Emily needing a stable and loving home. So adamant that I felt compelled to do some research and that's how I learned about Emily and what happened to her mother. I hope you can forgive my curiosity." Just because she was the one who filed for divorce didn't mean she stopped caring about Olivia. In fact she regularly checked on her by calling Fin, Dr Warner or even Casey to ask how she was doing, especially after El left and as painful as seeing her moving on was, she knew that having a child was Olivia's oldest and deepest desire and she was hoping that Emily would eventually fill the void she had created when she left.

"No, I can understand how you must have been surprised and I would have contacted you to warn you if I had known that she was planning on questioning you. I did try to call you after the adoption was finalized because I didn't want you to find out anyway other way but you never called me back." Olivia fought as hard as she could to help Alex overcome the terrible pain she was drowning in, to save her from the abyss she had fallen in. Unfortunately, despite her best efforts to keep them together, their marriage eventually ended and once the papers were signed, she finally gave up and never tried to contact Alex again, until the adoption was finalized.

"Yes, I'm sorry about that, I just couldn't handle hearing your voice and since I already why you were calling..." Three years later, the pain was still very perceptible in Olivia's voice and the sadness still visible in her eyes but at the time Alex was convinced that a clean break up was the only for the brunette to move on with her life.

"Hey, it's okay Alex. You didn't do anything wrong. We had been divorced for two years and talking even over the phone would have been weird, especially if we had talked about me adopting Emily. I hope you don't think I wanted to rub it in your nose or something." Without thinking about it, Olivia reached out to Alex's hand and was surprised to see that she was shaking.

"No, of course not. I'm happy for you Olivia, you finally have that child your heart had been aching for your entire adult life." The simple touch of Olivia's hand was enough to send a vivid electric wave through her entire body and warm up that heart that had been nothing but a cold, rigid stone for the past three years. Unfortunately, she couldn't bring herself to establish the slightest eye contact, knowing that dipping into those big brown eyes would send her back to that place she had fought so hard to get away from.

"What about you? How has life been treated you?" It was easy for Olivia to see just how uncomfortable Alex was, how painful just looking at her was and she wondered why she didn't grab the opportunity she had given her to decline Emily's offer. Was she so curious to catch a glimpse of what their lives could have been if she had not filed for divorce? Was she trying to punish herself? Or maybe she was just missing her so much that she was willing to put herself through the excruciating pain of being faced with her own shortcomings...

"Work has been good, being a federal prosecutor has been a real challenge, as you can imagine, the methods, pace and people are different but that's exactly what I was looking for when I took the job." Just a couple of months after their divorce was finalized, Alex received an offer to become a federal prosecutor, which she immediately accepted. She knew that staying at the DA's office would have been too hard for them, that even if she had requested to be assigned to another team, the geographic proximity would have made it almost impossible for them to never run into each other. For them to be able to move on with their lives, they needed to stay as far away from each other as they possibly could.

Fortunately, it seemed that destiny had decided to make them cross paths again, but to what end? Only time will tell...

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The most difficult thing for me is to drop a few hints here and there to peak your interest and make you wonder about this big mystery without revealing too much...

Being subtle has never been my strongest suit and I think this chapter was weird, especially the end, right?

In the next chapter we'll see just how curious Emily is, did you say awkward?


	6. Honesty

So, it's been almost a month since I updated this story. I wanted apologize for the delay and to thank you all for the messages encouraging me to update but I guess I wasn't inspired and focused on another couple of projects, you know real life...

I will try to go back to my regular update schedule but I can't promise anything.

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**Chapter 6 :**

**Honesty :**

Half an hour later, Olivia and Emily's pizza along with Alex's lasagna were finally delivered to their table.

"Well, it looks like you have the same appetite as your mother." Sitting opposite Olivia and Emily, Alex couldn't help but being amazed by the uncanny ressemblance the two shared. Not only they both had long brown hair, the same facial bone structure but they also possessed the same mannerism.

"Yes, but my uncle Nick has a bigger appetite you know." As well behaved as she usually was in the presence of adults, when it came to eating, Emily forgot all her manners and as soon as her pizza was within her reach, the little girl immediately grabbed a piece and shoved it into her mouth, forgetting to swallow when addressing Alex.

"Nick is my new partner, he's the one who introduced me to this adoption program his church is sponsoring." So much had happened since they divorced, Elliot and George had left and Nick and Amanda had joined the team and Olivia wasn't sure if Alex was aware of all those changes.

"Yes, I heard. It must have been hard for you to adjust working with him after so many years with Elliot." Truth was, Alex knew everything that had happened since she left the DA's office, from Elliot's departure, to Nick saving Olivia's life or even Fin's son getting engaged, but she wasn't willing to divulge how much she knew. She simply didn't want Olivia to know just how much she thought about her over the years and that she never managed to get her out of her system.

"It wasn't easy at first, especially considering the circumstances surrounding Elliot's departure but Nick and Amanda are both good cops and I'd say we develop a strong partnership and a friendship as well, at least I hope so." Losing Alex and Elliot a few months appart was harder on Olivia than she was willing to admit or show and looking at Alex, Olivia realized that nobody would ever fill the void she and Elliot left in her heart and put it back together, not even her beautiful daughter.

"Developing trusting relationship takes time and I know how careful you are when it comes to giving your trust and opening up to people." Feeling the pain and somehow resignation in her voice, Alex couldn't help but feeling responsible for Olivia's sorrow and apparent reluctance to let anyone in.

"Can I ask you something Alex?" Swallowing a piece of pizza before opening her mouth, Emily jumped right into their conversation, not knowing that by doing so she was saving them from drowning deeper into what was already a very uncomfortable conversation.

"Sure." Taking a sip of ice tea, Alex's heart starting pounding her chest, she had a strong feeling that Emily was a very insightful and curious little girl and feared that she might ask her questions about her relationship with Olivia she wouldn't know how to answer to since she had no idea what the brunette had told her or what she was willing to share with her.

"I was thinking that I know all my mommy's friends but I never met you..." Pursing her lips, narrowing her eyebrows, Emily was determined to figure out why Alex seemed to be the only friend/work acquaintances of her mother she had never met.

"Well..." And just like that it hit her : Olivia had never mentioned her to her daughter, not even after they met the previous day, which could only mean two things : either explaining their relationship was too difficult and painful for her, or she had definitely moved on and erased all traces of their marriage and at that precise moment she had no clue which of the two it was.

"Alex told you yesterday that she didn't work with me anymore, remember?" Seeing the distress on Alex's face, Olivia immediately jumped in, hoping she could dissuade Emily to dig deeper and ask questions neither of them were ready to answer.

"Yes, I remember but uncle Eliot doesn't work with you anymore and you talk about him and we see him sometimes and uncle George doesn't even live in New York but we talk to him on the phone. Do you live in New York Alex?" Unsatisfied by her mother's explanation and determined to get the truth out of them, Emily pushed a little further, not knowing how painful it was for both her mom and Alex.

"Yes honey, I live in New York but... How can I explain this? Your mommy and I worked together for a very very long time and we were very close but... but I did something that hurt her and after that it was hard for us to be friends, do you understand?" Alex had enough experience with children to know that lying to them was the worst thing to do and she had learnt to be honest with them while sparing them from painful or unnecessary details.

"You hurt my mommy?" Her little hands closed into a fist, her jaw clenched, Emily started to feel enraged and somehow betrayed by that woman she immediately liked and trusted.

"It's not that easy honey. Sometimes adults disagree or they do something wrong but it doesn't make them bad people, you know?" Even though she was amazed by Alex's honesty, Olivia wasn't about to let her take the blame for the destruction of their marriage. Although she couldn't be completely honest with Emily about what had happened between them, she felt she was as responsible as Alex was and was determined to make her daughter understand that Alex was a good, kind hearted person.

"Yes, people, especially adults make mistakes but it doesn't mean they're bad people or that they don't care about each other. Your mother and I cared about each other very much but what happened between us made it hard for us to be friends and I'm sorry for that because I never got to meet you before yesterday." _Mistake_, that was the key word of Alex's sentence. She truly considered leaving Olivia to be the biggest mistake of her life and she had no idea if she could ever fix it, especially since Emily was now part of the equation.

"I know I'm only four but I'm old enough to understand and I think you're not telling me the truth. Mommy, you promised you would never lie to me, remember?" Despite being very young, Emily was a very smart and insightful little girl and something in Olivia and Alex's behaviour lead her to believe that there was much more to this story than what they were telling her. The atmosphere was so tense, heavy even, that she had a feeling something terrible had happened between the two women and she needed to know what it was.

"Yes, I remember, well Emily, the truth is..." Swallowing hard as she looked up at Alex for approval, Olivia only had a few seconds to come up with an appropriate way of explaining to her four year old that Alex and her were married.

"The truth is that, your mother and I were married but things didn't work out the way we had hoped and we broke up." Feeling responsible for the break up, Alex felt compelled to explain the situation to the little girl and be honest while keeping the details to herself, details a four year old didn't need to hear about.

"Oh, like uncle Nick, his wife lives in Washington with Zara, you know." So that was the big mystery her mommy and Alex were trying to hide from her, they were married...

"Yes, like your uncle Nick, but I'm sure he still cares about his wife the same way I care about your mommy, it's just that sometimes it's painful to be friends and to see someone you used to be married with."

"I understand. You said you hurt my mommy, is this why you're not married anymore? What did you do? I want to know!" Alex's honesty wasn't enough for Emily to forget the main information of this conversation : she had hurt her mommy.

"Enough is enough Emily! You wanted to know why you never met Alex so we told you we told you the truth but there are things that need to remain between Alex and I, do you understand?" Olivia said, raising her voice as she looked her little girl straight in the eyes.

"Yes mommy, it's growing up stuff, but she said she hurt you..." Her head down, tears streaming down her cheeks, Emily was suddenly less vocal, she understood that she had crossed a line and wasn't willing to continue to the point of non return.

"Like I said, it's more complicated than that. Us divorcing wasn't Alex's fault, we're both responsible for what happened. She loved me very much, as much as I loved her but sometimes it's just not enough." Pulling her daughter in her arms, Olivia smiled to Alex as a way of saying that she wasn't blaming her for the way they grew appart and that she had forgiven for leaving when their marriage eventually collapsed. If she was honest with herself, Olivia had to admit that, even though Alex was the one who left and filed for divorce, she was the one who failed to help to her cope with what was happening to them, which lead them to slowly drift appart until they eventually reached the point of non return.

"And I still do." A tear streaming down her cheek, Alex couldn't help but feeling that this might be the opportunity for her, if not winning Olivia back, to at least make things right and lift the guilt she knew Olivia was baring off her shoulders.

Olivia was right after all, love is often not enough, sometimes we're just victims of bad timing or circumstances and the best we can do is to move on before destroying the last bit of love and respect we have for each other and hope that someday, destiny will make us cross path again..

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What did you think?

I don't know if telling Emily the truth about the nature of their past relationship was a good idea or if it was too soon but it just felt right when I was writing it, you know?

Now, the question is : where do they go from here?

Even though it might seem that they're not blaming each other and that they made peace with what happened, there are still many unresolved feelings and I promise to explore them all...

As usual, feel free to drop me a line with ideas, critics, insults, what ever you feel like writing in the review box!


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